Top 5 Strangest Things from Cosmetic Sci-Fi
?Cracks that look like they're going to take you to another dimension? 📡
More terrifying complexions than Vecna's? 🧟♂️
There are things that only exist in science fiction. And with the The new season of Stranger Things has an eighties revival We've taken to collecting these cosmetic stories... which some people still believe are real.
Face masks made with ingredients from the fresh produce section of LIDL, TikTok trends and your grandma's recipes made with olive oil and Coca-Cola that might seem like the coolest thing ever... but that not even your most trusted demogorgon would dare to try without facing negative consequences.
Top 5 (yes, we said 5) 😏) bad science fiction cosmetic tips
Chapter 1 - Getting Rid of Pimples
We're talking about annihilating a villainous pimple, a blackhead darker than a Mind Flayer's asshole, or pores more open than a portal to the Upside Down, to put it delicately.
The top 3 most popular (and ineffective) home remedies for fighting them are:
- Toothpaste before going to bed. Does it work? only on the outside (inside it's still juicy) and they don't even tell you the price to pay And no, we're not talking about the price of Colgate.
- Alcohol to drown your sorrows… and that leaves your pimples drier than esparto grass… and everything else too. ⚠️eye care⚠️.
- Laying out in the sun until your pimples are scorched like old socks on a clothesline. sunscreen She's neither here nor expected. a flawless plan with no consequences For your face. (It's pure irony... it's a quick fix... it'll cause problems for the rest of the year)
Chapter 2 - The MasterChef of Homemade Face Masks
Honey, oats, egg, sugar, lemon, salt, cinnamon… In the end you don't know if you're making a face mask or a mid-morning brunch.
But rubbing your face with a smashed avocado, beating an egg on your face, or splashing yourself with shots of lemon and salt (best for nights of naughtiness and dancing) sounds very real food and very much like a little surprise that visits you after... use it (unstable vitamins, uncarried active ingredients, a garden for bacteria) p.m. …)
Chapter 3 - The gorgeous hair blowing in the wind
Want to rock that '80s hair look? Add red onion. Want to get rid of dandruff? Wash your hair with beer. Want instant shine? Wash with conditioner. We've also read that you can add banana, strawberries, tomato... or even a summery gazpacho from root to tip.
Obviously, none of this helps beyond leaving your head smelling awful or ending up with hair like in 'There's Something About Mary'
Chapter 4 - Getting Conguito
Best ingredients for getting a tan? Coca-Cola on your buttocks, olive oil for sunbathing, eating lots of carrots…
Of course, darling! Say hi to the sun's rays; to a tan like 'Torrezno de Soria'... and why not to a melanoma that's off the charts as your new roommate and lifemate.
Chapter 5 - Plant-based hydrators for your face
Mayonnaise, egg white... or tearing off the aloe leaf your mother has at home and rubbing it all over your cheeks, we don't think that's the best idea.
Well, we're repeating ourselves. It doesn't penetrate, it's not stable, it's not protected against the bacteria that naturally grow in those foods, it can clog your pores… economical? Maybe… risky? Definitely.
Conclusion: Don't put weird things on your face.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. We have all tried to accelerate our tan with Johnson's Baby oil, exfoliate with jarred Nescafé, or found the perfect YouTube recipe to eliminate pimples 25 minutes before a night of dancing.
We have all fallen at some point expecting supernatural results.
But, luckily (or unluckily), there are things that are only made for fiction.
Let's forget about homemade ointments and let science and real professionals keep us in check and take care of our faces the way they deserve. Because your face should ache from looking good, not from being left looking like a mess.
P.S.And to keep pimples, blackheads, and whiteheads in a parallel reality that doesn't affect you at all, without any strange X-Files-worthy shenanigans…
This week's post is sponsored by our Coffee Crush: an exfoliator to give you such a flawless face that it looks like you're wearing something new every day.
